I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…