My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
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DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Anime is real
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?