My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.