O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.