it’s finally my moment to shine
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She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait