Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
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I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day