MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
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What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.