instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
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No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
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*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.