Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
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*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*