Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
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i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Woke up against my better judgement again
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”