The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
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Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
My last name is Zilla.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”