My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
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PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
“The Perfect Relationship”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times