Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
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Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
oh u like geography? name every lake
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it