Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
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A cabbage a day keeps people away.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.