Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
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[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
They’re on their honeymoon
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
you stereotypes are all alike
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*