My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.