I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
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ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.