I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
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[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️