BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
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5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?