– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
They’re not wrong
This bar smells like my childhood.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
When you kidnap a writer.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?