Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
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“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?