I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
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An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”