Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
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I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
HOW DARE YOU
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
never ask a starfish for directions
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!