Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
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(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
went fishing caught a bass
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.