Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
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What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
The cashier just checked me out.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday