Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
This was the best day of my life
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.