There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
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Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
All generalizations are stupid.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
is this meant to deter me
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???