Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
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[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.