[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
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no one ever comes back
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.