I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
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recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Cake!!
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
o shit
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“HELP WITH CAT”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L