Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
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Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
There is no “we” in pizza
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did