When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
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Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
satan: not today, microsoft teams
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda