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“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I already tried new things thanks.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds