[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
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You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
a public service announcement
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Hey! This isn’t my car!
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
operators are standing by to ignore your call
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife