I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
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A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
do what now??
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”