If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
incredible text to wake up to
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
NOT all policemen are strippers.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going