The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
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I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.