[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
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One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
life finds a way
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?