The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
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You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Why is no one talking about this?!
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?