There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
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Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him