Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
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If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”