Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
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I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.