[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
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Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.