I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
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Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
stand with me against insufficient seating
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u