Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point