I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
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I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?