Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
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Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.