“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
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Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling