Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
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TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.