This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
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Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
idk what this dog had been going through but same
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms